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| I have been thinking a lot today about all the mistakes I have made. Some I can just chalk up to experience and let go of. Others really grieve me. There are mistakes that bring tears to my eyes when I recall them. Those are the ones that have been on my mind all day. Even as I write this I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. There are so many things I wish I had never said or done. So many things that have hurt those I love the most.
There were a few particular mistakes that came to my mind today as I was preparing to take a short nap. Grief for what I had done in the past overwhelmed me and tears streamed from my eyes. I thought about the stupidity of the choices I had made and the selfishness involved in those decisions. I thought about all the pain that had been caused because of them.
As I cried tears of regret and sorrow I felt something I have never felt before. I felt the forgiveness of God. Now, I know that God had already forgiven me as soon as I confessed these sins. But this was different than just knowing. This was feeling the inner peace of absolute and total forgiveness. My tears of shame and remorse turned into tears of cleansing and healing. Healing for my soul and spirit that has been wounded by the bad choices I have made. I was able to sleep peacefully knowing that God was looking down on me, not with anger or condemnation, but with love as one of His children who had found their way home. When I woke up it was with the realization that I had met God and he had embraced me. Mistakes and all | | |
| Hallelujah!! I am home in the grand state of Wisconsin and the amazing city of Oshkosh! Brian and I arrived in Oshkosh around 5:30 pm (Central Time) yesterday. We went and got some delicious Leon's Frozen Custard and it was absolutely glorious. We had not partaken of custardy-goodness since we left for Greenville last August. Nearly a year without tasting the joy that is frozen custard!? I don't see how we made it.
I get to start the fun of searching for a job. Picked up one app today and will go to the mall in Appleton tomorrow to pick up many more. Filling out apps is one of the least fun things I can think of doing but it is necessary. I am believing that God knows which job is out there that is the best one for me and that He is going to guide me to it. But, that still means I have to be responsible and fill out apps and not just wait for something to fall into my lap.
We drove around Oshkosh yesterday. Went past our old house. I cried. I gave so much up to go to Greenville and at times I feel that it has been an exercise in futility. I already know that I do not want to return to Greenville. I want to stay here. Get a good job. Live in a beautiful house in a wonderful neighborhood. But that is just me focusing on the temporary situation. In all honesty, I know without a doubt that I am to return to Greenville and to Holmes next semester. I know that if I am obedient than God is going to show me things and work in my life in ways that would not have happened if I had stayed in my comfort zone. So, while I really don't want to return, I am positive about it because I want what God wants for me and I can only get that by following Him.
Okay. I am going to go. I have some unpacking to do. I hope everyone is having a good summer and all that jazz. Bye. | | |
| I am so stinkin' excited about going home to Wisconsin. We are leaving Tuesday morning, staying overnight in Indianapolis, and arriving in Oshkosh sometime on Wednesday. I love being home in Wisconsin. Somehow everything seems better when you are home.
I know that I am going to be tempted to stay in Wisconsin and just forget about returning to school. Since moving down here life has just been one major struggle after another. Crisis follows crisis. Frustration follows frustration. There have been some redeeming qualities to my life down here, though, which are my motivation for returning. Plus, I know that God has a purpose down here for me and that gives me the strength to keep going on even when I am exhausted, angry, and about to lose my mind.
I have so much packing and preparation left to do in the next day or so. I am a major procrastinator but things always end up getting done in time. Gosh, I can't wait to see Mom and Dad Howard! They are such great people and I always feel like I belong when I am around them. Seriously, most women seem to have awful relationships with their mother-in-laws. I am just one of the lucky ones who got an amazing mother-in-law who I respect and admire.
Okay. Enough procrastination. I must go. I must. The next time I make an entry I will be in my beloved state of Wisconsin. YAY!! | | |
| Lately, I have been feeling like a very crummy Christian. I am always making mistakes. Some are bigger than others but each one of them whispers to me, "You are a pathetic excuse for a Christian. You are beyond hope, beyond God. Why would He want someone as weak and unfaithful as you?" The whispers continue to grow until they are all I hear.
Someone once said that if you tell a lie long enough it becomes true in your mind. Exactly!! Soon I begin to believe the whispers. The more I believe them, the more I feel that, at any moment, God is going to get sick of me screwing up, realize what a horrible person I am, and give up on me. I fear that He will reject me. So, I do what I have always done when I am scared of someone rejecting me. I reject Him first. I decide that He is not worth it. I accuse Him of all sorts of things that would make my rejection of Him justified--He abandoned me, He caused the situation I am in, He did not protect me, He does not love me. The more I make Him out to be the villain, the more I am justified in my rejection of Him. The more I reject Him, the less I worry about Him rejecting me. And if I am the one doing the rejection instead of being rejected then the pain I feel is minimized.
It's a cowardly way to deal with the guilt of not "measuring up". I realize this. But I am also slowly realizing something else. I don't have to "measure up". In fact, I never will. God knew this. He knew it before I was born. He knew all the lies I would tell, all the bitter words I would say, all the unforgiveness I would harbor, all the hatred I would hang on to, all the unfaithfulness I would exhibit, all the betrayal I would participate in. He knew all of that...decided that He still wanted me to know Him and be His friend and child...and Jesus shed His blood to cover over all of my shortcomings and sins. Jesus measured up so that I no longer have to!! He is not going to reject me!! No matter what I do or what I have done I am free from condemnation because I am in Christ Jesus. He loves me and will continue to no matter what!
The freedom that realization offers is overwhelming. I don't have to fear His rejection!! I don't have to fear Him! I don't have to kick myself and beat myself up because I don't measure up. It's not about me!!! It's about His sufficiency and His grace.
This is quite the long blog. I will close for now and leave you with the words to the chorus of an amazing song called Mercy Said No.
Mercy said no
I'm not going to let you go
I'm not going to let you slip away
You don't have to be afraid
Mercy said no
Sin will never take control
Life and death stood face to face
Darkness tried to steal my heart away
Thank You Jesus, Mercy said no. | | |
| Up until last week Brian and I had planned on staying here at HBC for the summer. However, we have since decided that it would be best for us to head back home to Wisconsin for the summer. SO....I AM GOING HOME!!!!! Hallelujah!
We are leaving on Monday, May 29th and we will come back to the school in time for next semester! I am so stinkin' excited to get away from this place!! I will miss my friends who I won't see over the summer...but that is about it. I am really looking forward to being back in familiar territory surrounded by family and friends. Please pray that Bri and I can find jobs that will provide for our financial needs while leaving us plenty of time to focus on our marriage! Yay!! Home!! | | |
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